Less than a week....

not that anyone is counting! We fly up to Rochester on Monday of next week, and the testing begins on Tuesday. It will last all day Tuesday and Wednesday, then we meet with the docs to review everything on Thursday morning. We are scheduled to fly home on Thursday afternoon.

Thank y'all for praying for our hearts the past couple of weeks. I would say that we bottomed out shortly after that post was written, but have noticeably rebounded some since then. Praise God! (I know our kids praise Him that we've rebounded!!) And as the trip approaches, and we get a bit more tense, we have not gotten angry or loud or whiny or any of the things that would have made it miserable. At least, not yet! I have plenty of time between now and then to sin mightily against my kids and my wife!

I am praying for wisdom as we go on this trip. I want to understand more fully the 40-50 year scenario. I know that there are three possibilities from the testing, and I want to understand them better. First, there is no change at all, and we get another 6-month reprieve. Second, the cancer is still confined to the stomach, but has changed in such a way that even Mayo says we should do the surgery. Third, it has left the stomach and gone to another organ. Well, I want to understand the second scenario better; what exactly would have changed to make them feel this way?

I want to talk more about diet. With traditional cancers, it is believed by the holistic medicine folks that eliminating red meat, doing the whole juicer thing, and more of what I used to call voodoo will lower cancer risk. Is that true with carcinoid cancer? Dee Dee has eliminated red meat and poultry from her own diet, and her Mother's Day gift this year was a professional-grade juicer. Certainly these may be healthy regardless of the cancer, but is there any impact? I know that at the very least it has given her something concrete to do, to feel that she is exerting some proactive effort against this disease.

Another question that I plan to ask is why do we do such frequent follow-up? Given the emotional toll, and the fact that we are most likely going to see no change, can we spread the visits out? Also, there was mention in one article that I read in one of the gastro journals that suggested that long-term carcinoid, when associated with pernicious anemia (which we know she has) and chronic atrophic gastritis (which will be investigated at this visit), carries greater risk of traditional cancers of the gut. Does she have the atrophic gastritis? What are the ancillary risks? Can they be lessened? Is there risk of such frequent nuclear/radioactive medicine tests?

So, lots of tests to take, and lots of questions to get answered. Thanks for praying for clarity of mind, and for wisdom, not only fro the doctors but for us as well.

What else, what else....

You notice that in my listing of medical possibilities above, I did not list "God healing her and taking away the cancer." I don't know why. I know it represents some degree of lack of faith in the grand power of God, and of His love and mercies for us, but I don't know why I am struggling here. I have seen God save my son when we were told there was no hope. I have seen my children recover from concussions with amnesia and life-flight helicopter rides. So why the...hesitancy... to pray big?

Partly I think it is because I am a product of my profession. For almost 20 years I have had patients refuse to do what we told them to do, because they "trusted God to heal them at a prayer service," and they have invariably lost vision. I have become skeptical of the whole line of thought, at least to a degree. I think this represents amazing arrogance on my part, and I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.

I think another part of it is fear. When we counsel young married couples on basic marriage skills, one of the topics we cover is sharing honestly your desires and needs. This is often scary! It is one thing if your needs are unspoken and unmet. But it is far worse if they are articulated and then unmet! I am a bit afraid of God saying, "No." I think this is a lack of trust in His genuine love for me, and a belief that He might withhold a blessing. I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.

I know that Dee Dee is praying that it will be healed. I am scared silly about this. If it is unchanged, which is her doctors' "best-case", then they and I will be happy. I am afraid that Dee Dee will be crushed. Her faith is bigger than mine, her understanding of the renewed mercies of our God every morning is deeper than mine. I want to protect her from further disappointment, and I suspect that this shows some desire on my part to be God for her. In other words, to provide/protect/heal her, because I am not so sure that He is doing a good enough job as God in her life right now. I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.

And yet, even as I sit here with tears, typing at nearly 2:00 a.m. because once again this trip is too big to allow sleep (or my faith is too small...), I have hope. My dear friend Scott posed a hypothetical question sometime before the cancer was diagnosed. "Tony, if God told you that in about 5 years you and He were going to be amazingly close, in a level of communion that just blows away your notions of that relationship, would you say yes? And what if He told you that first, He was going to take you down some very dark and difficult roads. Would your answer be the same?" If I truly trust in the God of Scripture, then my answer must be a resounding "YES! Yes God, I will follow where you lead, and go where you ask. I will endure the difficulties, because you are my shield and my fortress. I will persevere, because you strengthen me. I will run well the race you have set before me, because I love to bring you glory, and it is only through you that I run at all."

I was talking to a Jewish physician yesterday. She was in for an exam, and we talked about Dee Dee. This is a wonderful woman, and an excellent, caring physician. She said that she will never understand the unfairness of illness. I responded that I absolutely do not question the fairness of this; God ordained it and that makes it fair. I told her that I believe that the same God who decreed that my wife would have cancer decreed all the days and events of our lives, and that He has prepared us to run this race well. And I told her that as He girds us for this battle, He proves His love for us anew. She cried a bit, and said that the Jewish God, the God of the Old Testament, is not a God of love but of severity. She said that the normal life for a Jew is one of cyclical cowering before the fearsome throne of an angry, somewhat capricious God. I sensed a longing in her for the God I described, an Abba Father God; but she closed that door quickly. I thanked her for her concern for us, and she closed by saying, "Well, I don't pray, but I will think very positively for you both." How sad! My heart broke for her, and breaks now for everyone who thinks of God in that way.

I guess, however, that all the fears and lack of trust that I mentioned for myself a few paragraphs ago reflect that my heart goes too easily back to the desert, to wander with the Israelites. I, too often, cower; when God is offering to hold me in His lap, I quake at His feet. Just as the Israelite nation, when provided with manna, I ask to go back to Egypt. Just as my Jewish physician friend/patient, who thinks that it would be great if God were genuinely loving, but fears that it is not so. Are any of us that radically different or immune to the Israelite sin of doubt? Thank You, Spirit, for this fresh conviction. Make me believe your Word, as you tell me to boldly approach your throne; a throne not of arbitrary judgment or fear, but of grace.

Thank you all for approaching the throne of mercy and grace on our behalf. There are times when I realize that many of you have greater faith than I, and I am glad you're on our team.

Tony