And you all thought I had finally disappeared! No such luck. After a very hot summer, I thought I'd write a follow-up post to let everyone know where we're at, how things are going, etc.
My lovely bride and I just celebrated two anniversaries. Our TWENTIETH wedding anniversary was in August! After two decades, I can honestly say that I married up! We are foolishly happy with what God has wrought in our lives and marriage. We celebrated by spending 8 nights in Carmel and Sonoma, CA. What a blast! As we drove around Carmel/Monterrey/Big Sur, we were awed by God's majesty, His splendor, His creativity, and His imagination. We glorified Him with every turn as we drove Pacific Coast Highway 1. We stayed at amazing places, ate amazing food, saw amazing places. We simply enjoyed each other and revelled in the one-ness that only God can grow.
While we were there, we marked the one-year anniversary of Dee Dee's cancer diagnosis. What a year! We have been up and down and all around. Thank you all for going through it with us! You have truly blessed us richly with your love, your prayers, your notes, just being part of the body of Christ with us.
Dee Dee continues to feel great. As has been the case throughout the year, she has felt no real physical symptoms. I will say that occasionally the emotional side jumps up and bites her, as it does me. Sometimes there seems to be no reason, but other times there are obvious culprits. For example, if she feels sick for a few days she may start wondering if it has started to spread. Not always, but sometimes. Recently I was diagnosed with a small skin cancer on my right cheek/eyelid (surgery 10/29), and that sort of brought up some emotions about her cancer for both of us. Maybe because hers will never go away we may always have these episodes; we pray that they lessen in frequency and in duration.
We have seen scary moments aplenty. When it was first diagnosed, there were a few weeks in which we did not know if it had already spread and was therefore already terminal. She had thoracic surgery. We've hugged through tears alone in Rochester Minnesota, and spent frightening moments at Duke. There have been plenty of difficult hours. Y'all know that already, and we praise God for His faithfulness and yours.
BUT! Even more than the scary times, the sad times, the alone times have been the amazing times of praise and glory in His goodness and grace. There has been wonderful growth in closeness and unity in an already fantastic marriage. There has been great maturation in already great kids. There have been multiple opportunities to witness and share our reason for hope with unsaved folks. There have been more occasions to mentor and help other folks who are struggling. In short, God has done the God-thing and worked all to His glory and our good. Ain't it grand? Our certainty and assurance in His faithfulness and goodness have been affirmed and strengthened. Praise Him!
We will go back to Mayo next Spring. Hopefully the interim will be BORING. Honestly, I have prayed for mundane as this has gone on. Feels weird, but nevertheless true. Between now and then, I probably will not write too much on the blog. It has been nice to not think about cancer on a routine basis, and as much as this blog has meant to us, it does sort of force me back into that cycle of thought. I feel a bit like a novelist who has gotten to the end of his story and doesn't really know how to wrap it up!
Thank you for being such an important part of our lives, before September 15, 2006, since that date, and prayerfully for many years to come. God bless you all, every single one of you! Praise Christ for His blood shed for our redemption; praise God for adopting us all into the same family! As unreal as "You have cancer" seems to us, the truly unreal thing in this whole equation is that God has intended everything for our good; that He has given us grace where we deserved wrath; and that He intends for us to reign with Christ in eternity. Hallelujah!
Tony
Psalm 4:8
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
DONE!
Got the CAT scan done (10 minutes from request to test, then 1 minute wait to get back in with our doc), Dr. Thompson talked to radiologist and bone doc while we were getting everything done (there was a spot on L4 vertebra) and all say NO PROBLEMS!!!!!
Radiologist said that the chest thing is "absolutely secondary to the surgery, and will eventually go away." NO NEED TO FOLLOW UP AT DUKE! That's how confident they are that everything is okay.
Bone guy/radiologist says the L4 thing is nothing to worry about at all, unless you have metastatic cancer, which Dee Dee doesn't have.
That's it folks. Done. See you in a year for routine follow-up. She still technically has cancer, but in the best imagineable scenario. We'll never truly "forget about it," but we'll come pretty close.
We'll talk more later, we're still processing now. And after we eat at Pannekoeken one more time, we're coming HOME!
Tony (smiling from ear-to-ear)
Radiologist said that the chest thing is "absolutely secondary to the surgery, and will eventually go away." NO NEED TO FOLLOW UP AT DUKE! That's how confident they are that everything is okay.
Bone guy/radiologist says the L4 thing is nothing to worry about at all, unless you have metastatic cancer, which Dee Dee doesn't have.
That's it folks. Done. See you in a year for routine follow-up. She still technically has cancer, but in the best imagineable scenario. We'll never truly "forget about it," but we'll come pretty close.
We'll talk more later, we're still processing now. And after we eat at Pannekoeken one more time, we're coming HOME!
Tony (smiling from ear-to-ear)
(Mostly) Good news
Good morning! Due to timing, I've got to keep it brief, which as you all know is not the easiest thing in the world for me!
Blood tests: good
Stomach/abdomen CAT scan: good, no signs of spread
Endoscopy: good. No evidence of increased tumor growth, no signs of other "normal" cancer
Praise the Lord! Her doc is really very pleased, very encouraged that this is the ultra-rare form of gastric carcinoid that will still be here, pretty much just like it is today, 45 years from now. He has agreed to have it followed on a yearly basis, instead of every six months. He does not think that she needs yearly CAT or octreoscans, just endoscopy. If that looks suspicious or different, then the other tests would be done, but only if the endoscopy has changed adversely.
So, since nothing can ever be perfectly simple, there is one wrinkle. The ultrasound showed a well-circumscribed 3 cm X 3 cm lesion in her mediastinum (Chest), basically in the area that the chest surgery was done down at Duke a few months ago. He does not think it is cancer, but thinks that it is either a reactive lymph node to having had the surgery, or that they did not get all the lesion during the surgery. Since Duke did all the CAT scan stuff on the lesion before, he does not have much baseline info to use for comparison.
Mayo being Mayo, however, he picked up the phone and got her worked in for a chest CAT scan, which she is having done right now, then he will see her as soon as she has completed that test. We should still make our flight on time. I do not think we will have any firm answer on the lesion today, but rather will have Mayo forward the results to the surgeon at Duke so that he can compare. Also, we will have his surgical notes and operative reports, CAT scans, etc. sent from Duke to Mayo, so that everyone has everything. Duke was supposed to have done this months ago, but either they didn't or we didn't sign the right forms, who knows. Over the next few weeks we'll get this sorted out.
I will leave you with this quote from Dr. Thompson, who again impressed us: "(Pending the chest issue) I think that you are really pretty healthy."
That, friends and family, is good news.
We look forward to being home soon!
Tony
Blood tests: good
Stomach/abdomen CAT scan: good, no signs of spread
Endoscopy: good. No evidence of increased tumor growth, no signs of other "normal" cancer
Praise the Lord! Her doc is really very pleased, very encouraged that this is the ultra-rare form of gastric carcinoid that will still be here, pretty much just like it is today, 45 years from now. He has agreed to have it followed on a yearly basis, instead of every six months. He does not think that she needs yearly CAT or octreoscans, just endoscopy. If that looks suspicious or different, then the other tests would be done, but only if the endoscopy has changed adversely.
So, since nothing can ever be perfectly simple, there is one wrinkle. The ultrasound showed a well-circumscribed 3 cm X 3 cm lesion in her mediastinum (Chest), basically in the area that the chest surgery was done down at Duke a few months ago. He does not think it is cancer, but thinks that it is either a reactive lymph node to having had the surgery, or that they did not get all the lesion during the surgery. Since Duke did all the CAT scan stuff on the lesion before, he does not have much baseline info to use for comparison.
Mayo being Mayo, however, he picked up the phone and got her worked in for a chest CAT scan, which she is having done right now, then he will see her as soon as she has completed that test. We should still make our flight on time. I do not think we will have any firm answer on the lesion today, but rather will have Mayo forward the results to the surgeon at Duke so that he can compare. Also, we will have his surgical notes and operative reports, CAT scans, etc. sent from Duke to Mayo, so that everyone has everything. Duke was supposed to have done this months ago, but either they didn't or we didn't sign the right forms, who knows. Over the next few weeks we'll get this sorted out.
I will leave you with this quote from Dr. Thompson, who again impressed us: "(Pending the chest issue) I think that you are really pretty healthy."
That, friends and family, is good news.
We look forward to being home soon!
Tony
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
G'night
Okay, I know I was supposed to write earlier, and all I can say is that it has been a good, but tiring day. We finished testing this afternoon, and then slept for a while. We did some walking, ate at Pannekoeken again, and slept some more.
So here's the update:
NO SICKNESS! None for Dee Dee, none for me, none at all. She never got nauseous, and that is a true blessing. I felt weird until early afternoon, but then it just sort of went away (strangely enough, about an hour after I posted that prayer request - coincidence? I think not!). Was mine sympathy, or fatigue, or stress? Probably. Why was hers so much better this time? Prayer. No biopsies during the endoscopy. I don't care right now, I'm just happy she did so well.
GREAT PROCEDURE! Out of all the endoscopies she has had, she felt that this was the easiest of all. They put her under so slowly that she felt alike she was just talking to the nurses and then was out. She never felt anything during the procedure, simply woke up after it was all over. She didn't even have a sore throat afterward. Beautiful, simple, done right. And a good thing, since I wasn't allowed to be with her, even in recovery. Bottom line is that she was really pleased with the physical aspect of all her testing this trip.
Now we wait for tomorrow and the summary appointment with Dr. Thompson. We have no results from anything yet. All tests are completed, and we meet with the docs to talk Thursday at 9:00 Rochester time. Our prayers now are focused on the results and our discussion tomorrow.
I will try to blog after the appointment tomorrow, but it will be tricky from a timing standpoint. I'll do my best, probably around noon eastern time.
Thank you all for everything. Almost over, and that's good.
Tony
So here's the update:
NO SICKNESS! None for Dee Dee, none for me, none at all. She never got nauseous, and that is a true blessing. I felt weird until early afternoon, but then it just sort of went away (strangely enough, about an hour after I posted that prayer request - coincidence? I think not!). Was mine sympathy, or fatigue, or stress? Probably. Why was hers so much better this time? Prayer. No biopsies during the endoscopy. I don't care right now, I'm just happy she did so well.
GREAT PROCEDURE! Out of all the endoscopies she has had, she felt that this was the easiest of all. They put her under so slowly that she felt alike she was just talking to the nurses and then was out. She never felt anything during the procedure, simply woke up after it was all over. She didn't even have a sore throat afterward. Beautiful, simple, done right. And a good thing, since I wasn't allowed to be with her, even in recovery. Bottom line is that she was really pleased with the physical aspect of all her testing this trip.
Now we wait for tomorrow and the summary appointment with Dr. Thompson. We have no results from anything yet. All tests are completed, and we meet with the docs to talk Thursday at 9:00 Rochester time. Our prayers now are focused on the results and our discussion tomorrow.
I will try to blog after the appointment tomorrow, but it will be tricky from a timing standpoint. I'll do my best, probably around noon eastern time.
Thank you all for everything. Almost over, and that's good.
Tony
A bit ofter 10:00 a.m. in rainy Rochester
Part one of the octreoscan is over, thankfully. She is tired and sore (this test is a bit like my brother's idea of torture!). Yesterday the CAT scan lasted ~45 minutes. She was in the tube, with the machinery about 1-2 inches from her face, with her arms and legs strapped down to prevent movement. She said that she kept thinking that Randy would have to be sedated first (he really dislikes tight spaces!). Today, the octreoscan required her to lie on her back with arms stretched fully over her head for an hour, and will probably require more of the same later today.
Currently she is in the endoscopy procedure. They knocked her out (I assume) about 30-45 minutes ago, and she should be in the procedure now. It will last at least 45 minutes, then an hour or more in recovery before the anesthesia is fully gone and she will be clear to leave this unit. This is my first bout of real anxiety this trip. This was the test that they asked me to come and observe last time, and where I was confronted visually with this amazing field of tumors inside my sweet wife. I am in the waiting room today, and all I can sy is that waiting rooms are boring, lonely places not terribly conducive to prayerful, worshipful waiting. I have read a good bit, prayed a good bit, talked to strangers, paced, stretched and prayed some more.
By the way, please pray that I am not getting sick. I have felt pretty queasy this morning, and am praying that this goes away quickly. Dee Dee suggested that I go back to the hotel, given that she was going to be behind the secret doors for 2-3 hours, but I couldn't leave. Thanks.
I'll write later today, after she is done with all the tests.
Bod bless y'all!
Tony
Currently she is in the endoscopy procedure. They knocked her out (I assume) about 30-45 minutes ago, and she should be in the procedure now. It will last at least 45 minutes, then an hour or more in recovery before the anesthesia is fully gone and she will be clear to leave this unit. This is my first bout of real anxiety this trip. This was the test that they asked me to come and observe last time, and where I was confronted visually with this amazing field of tumors inside my sweet wife. I am in the waiting room today, and all I can sy is that waiting rooms are boring, lonely places not terribly conducive to prayerful, worshipful waiting. I have read a good bit, prayed a good bit, talked to strangers, paced, stretched and prayed some more.
By the way, please pray that I am not getting sick. I have felt pretty queasy this morning, and am praying that this goes away quickly. Dee Dee suggested that I go back to the hotel, given that she was going to be behind the secret doors for 2-3 hours, but I couldn't leave. Thanks.
I'll write later today, after she is done with all the tests.
Bod bless y'all!
Tony
Early morning, Day 2
Well, good morning! We made it through the night without real nausea, so Praise God! She is in day two octreoscan right now, at least part one. She will do this scan for about an hour, then we go for the endoscopy/ultrasound, then back for more octreoscan. The only other time she got nauseous last time is with the endoscopy, due to the high number of biopsies. We do not expect so many biopsies this time, so remain hopeful that this trip will pass without one of the chief miseries of the past trips.
It seems to me that the tests can be divided into two categories this time. One category is for those tests designed to tell us if the cancer has spread. These include the octreoscan and CAT scan. The likelihood is that these will be normal. The second group, the endoscopy and ultrasound, are to look specifically at the known cancer in the stomach. So, while all of it has been worthy of prayer, the test at 9:00 (Rochester, MN time) today is the one that has the greatest likelihood of directing our course of therapy as we go forward. I'll post again after I see how things are going.
Our kids seem to be doing well. They are definitely having fun with their friends! Caleb, Gabe and Anna Grace are with one family, and Samara, Micah and Josiah are with another (THANK YOU Comptons and Shearins!). Micah has summed up their overall attitude well; every time we talk he says, "Mommy, I hope you don't die, and I hope it doesn't hurt very much." We had a sweet time of tears and prayer with them on our back porch before we left. Great kids, and we realize how much God has blessed us with them all.
We'll talk/post again soon.
Tony
It seems to me that the tests can be divided into two categories this time. One category is for those tests designed to tell us if the cancer has spread. These include the octreoscan and CAT scan. The likelihood is that these will be normal. The second group, the endoscopy and ultrasound, are to look specifically at the known cancer in the stomach. So, while all of it has been worthy of prayer, the test at 9:00 (Rochester, MN time) today is the one that has the greatest likelihood of directing our course of therapy as we go forward. I'll post again after I see how things are going.
Our kids seem to be doing well. They are definitely having fun with their friends! Caleb, Gabe and Anna Grace are with one family, and Samara, Micah and Josiah are with another (THANK YOU Comptons and Shearins!). Micah has summed up their overall attitude well; every time we talk he says, "Mommy, I hope you don't die, and I hope it doesn't hurt very much." We had a sweet time of tears and prayer with them on our back porch before we left. Great kids, and we realize how much God has blessed us with them all.
We'll talk/post again soon.
Tony
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Quick prayer request
So we're nearly done with today, and I have one request remaining for day one. She has just started drinking the truly horrid "Drink of Misery" that she believes has been the chief culprit in her nausea in times past. If you could pray that the next few hours pass with no nausea, and that she would sleep well. Thanks.
By the way, Randy, thanks for the anecdote, and for being a lifelong best friend.
Tony
By the way, Randy, thanks for the anecdote, and for being a lifelong best friend.
Tony
Update
Well, today got busier! As Dee Dee and the doc from the first test today looked at her schedule, it became apparent that she had a 5-hour gap today, but chaos tomorrow. One test, the full-body CAT scan, requires fasting the day of the test, and it was set for tomorrow at 2:00 p.m. So, despite the protests of the receptionist at the CAT waiting area, I called her primary doc and his office sort of pulled rank and got Dee Dee in for today. This is good, since she is already fasting, and it loosens up tomorrow's schedule as well. Please pray that the two tests this afternoon (CAT scan at 2:30, octreoscan at 3:30) will go off without a hitch. The timing of the two tests is pretty tight, so they are all acting like we are really taking a big chance. She had the octreoscan injection at 11:30 a.m., and they have to start the actual scan almost exactly 4 hours after the injection, so the CAT really has to go smoothly.
Also, pray for us to have patience. She is so ready to get past this, and has so little control over the disease itself, that the machinery of the medical system is frustrating.
Thanks,
Tony
Also, pray for us to have patience. She is so ready to get past this, and has so little control over the disease itself, that the machinery of the medical system is frustrating.
Thanks,
Tony
Mayo, Day One
Well, I am writing from the same waiting room from which I posted months ago, and I must say that familiarity does not offer much in the way of solace. We have really not done too much medically as yet; it is 10:40 a.m. here, and no official tests have been completed. She is getting the nuclear medicine injection for the octreoscan first, then bloodwork, then day one of the octreoscan is this afternoon from 3:00 - 6:00. Tomorrow is the big day, at least from a medical procedures standpoint.
Travelling yesterday was fairly uneventful. Planes were crowded, but airports not too bad. When did the airlines decide that pretzels or nuts should be sold, not included?!?! Rude......
We found a new place to eat here in lovely Rochester last night. Pannekoeken, a traditional Dutch restaurant, serves this cool Dutch-version pancake with fruit, called (you guessed it) pannekoeken. It made us think of our friends the Newbranders, who were missionaries in Amsterdam for several years.
Not a whole lot of anxiety right now with either of us. More a sense of resolve, with a bit of trepidation. Just ready to be done with the next two days. I actually think there will be a bit more anxious thoughts prior to the Thursday appointments with the head doc as we review all the results.
Thank y'all for praying and loving us, and I'll write more later.
Tony
Travelling yesterday was fairly uneventful. Planes were crowded, but airports not too bad. When did the airlines decide that pretzels or nuts should be sold, not included?!?! Rude......
We found a new place to eat here in lovely Rochester last night. Pannekoeken, a traditional Dutch restaurant, serves this cool Dutch-version pancake with fruit, called (you guessed it) pannekoeken. It made us think of our friends the Newbranders, who were missionaries in Amsterdam for several years.
Not a whole lot of anxiety right now with either of us. More a sense of resolve, with a bit of trepidation. Just ready to be done with the next two days. I actually think there will be a bit more anxious thoughts prior to the Thursday appointments with the head doc as we review all the results.
Thank y'all for praying and loving us, and I'll write more later.
Tony
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Less than a week....
not that anyone is counting! We fly up to Rochester on Monday of next week, and the testing begins on Tuesday. It will last all day Tuesday and Wednesday, then we meet with the docs to review everything on Thursday morning. We are scheduled to fly home on Thursday afternoon.
Thank y'all for praying for our hearts the past couple of weeks. I would say that we bottomed out shortly after that post was written, but have noticeably rebounded some since then. Praise God! (I know our kids praise Him that we've rebounded!!) And as the trip approaches, and we get a bit more tense, we have not gotten angry or loud or whiny or any of the things that would have made it miserable. At least, not yet! I have plenty of time between now and then to sin mightily against my kids and my wife!
I am praying for wisdom as we go on this trip. I want to understand more fully the 40-50 year scenario. I know that there are three possibilities from the testing, and I want to understand them better. First, there is no change at all, and we get another 6-month reprieve. Second, the cancer is still confined to the stomach, but has changed in such a way that even Mayo says we should do the surgery. Third, it has left the stomach and gone to another organ. Well, I want to understand the second scenario better; what exactly would have changed to make them feel this way?
I want to talk more about diet. With traditional cancers, it is believed by the holistic medicine folks that eliminating red meat, doing the whole juicer thing, and more of what I used to call voodoo will lower cancer risk. Is that true with carcinoid cancer? Dee Dee has eliminated red meat and poultry from her own diet, and her Mother's Day gift this year was a professional-grade juicer. Certainly these may be healthy regardless of the cancer, but is there any impact? I know that at the very least it has given her something concrete to do, to feel that she is exerting some proactive effort against this disease.
Another question that I plan to ask is why do we do such frequent follow-up? Given the emotional toll, and the fact that we are most likely going to see no change, can we spread the visits out? Also, there was mention in one article that I read in one of the gastro journals that suggested that long-term carcinoid, when associated with pernicious anemia (which we know she has) and chronic atrophic gastritis (which will be investigated at this visit), carries greater risk of traditional cancers of the gut. Does she have the atrophic gastritis? What are the ancillary risks? Can they be lessened? Is there risk of such frequent nuclear/radioactive medicine tests?
So, lots of tests to take, and lots of questions to get answered. Thanks for praying for clarity of mind, and for wisdom, not only fro the doctors but for us as well.
What else, what else....
You notice that in my listing of medical possibilities above, I did not list "God healing her and taking away the cancer." I don't know why. I know it represents some degree of lack of faith in the grand power of God, and of His love and mercies for us, but I don't know why I am struggling here. I have seen God save my son when we were told there was no hope. I have seen my children recover from concussions with amnesia and life-flight helicopter rides. So why the...hesitancy... to pray big?
Partly I think it is because I am a product of my profession. For almost 20 years I have had patients refuse to do what we told them to do, because they "trusted God to heal them at a prayer service," and they have invariably lost vision. I have become skeptical of the whole line of thought, at least to a degree. I think this represents amazing arrogance on my part, and I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.
I think another part of it is fear. When we counsel young married couples on basic marriage skills, one of the topics we cover is sharing honestly your desires and needs. This is often scary! It is one thing if your needs are unspoken and unmet. But it is far worse if they are articulated and then unmet! I am a bit afraid of God saying, "No." I think this is a lack of trust in His genuine love for me, and a belief that He might withhold a blessing. I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.
I know that Dee Dee is praying that it will be healed. I am scared silly about this. If it is unchanged, which is her doctors' "best-case", then they and I will be happy. I am afraid that Dee Dee will be crushed. Her faith is bigger than mine, her understanding of the renewed mercies of our God every morning is deeper than mine. I want to protect her from further disappointment, and I suspect that this shows some desire on my part to be God for her. In other words, to provide/protect/heal her, because I am not so sure that He is doing a good enough job as God in her life right now. I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.
And yet, even as I sit here with tears, typing at nearly 2:00 a.m. because once again this trip is too big to allow sleep (or my faith is too small...), I have hope. My dear friend Scott posed a hypothetical question sometime before the cancer was diagnosed. "Tony, if God told you that in about 5 years you and He were going to be amazingly close, in a level of communion that just blows away your notions of that relationship, would you say yes? And what if He told you that first, He was going to take you down some very dark and difficult roads. Would your answer be the same?" If I truly trust in the God of Scripture, then my answer must be a resounding "YES! Yes God, I will follow where you lead, and go where you ask. I will endure the difficulties, because you are my shield and my fortress. I will persevere, because you strengthen me. I will run well the race you have set before me, because I love to bring you glory, and it is only through you that I run at all."
I was talking to a Jewish physician yesterday. She was in for an exam, and we talked about Dee Dee. This is a wonderful woman, and an excellent, caring physician. She said that she will never understand the unfairness of illness. I responded that I absolutely do not question the fairness of this; God ordained it and that makes it fair. I told her that I believe that the same God who decreed that my wife would have cancer decreed all the days and events of our lives, and that He has prepared us to run this race well. And I told her that as He girds us for this battle, He proves His love for us anew. She cried a bit, and said that the Jewish God, the God of the Old Testament, is not a God of love but of severity. She said that the normal life for a Jew is one of cyclical cowering before the fearsome throne of an angry, somewhat capricious God. I sensed a longing in her for the God I described, an Abba Father God; but she closed that door quickly. I thanked her for her concern for us, and she closed by saying, "Well, I don't pray, but I will think very positively for you both." How sad! My heart broke for her, and breaks now for everyone who thinks of God in that way.
I guess, however, that all the fears and lack of trust that I mentioned for myself a few paragraphs ago reflect that my heart goes too easily back to the desert, to wander with the Israelites. I, too often, cower; when God is offering to hold me in His lap, I quake at His feet. Just as the Israelite nation, when provided with manna, I ask to go back to Egypt. Just as my Jewish physician friend/patient, who thinks that it would be great if God were genuinely loving, but fears that it is not so. Are any of us that radically different or immune to the Israelite sin of doubt? Thank You, Spirit, for this fresh conviction. Make me believe your Word, as you tell me to boldly approach your throne; a throne not of arbitrary judgment or fear, but of grace.
Thank you all for approaching the throne of mercy and grace on our behalf. There are times when I realize that many of you have greater faith than I, and I am glad you're on our team.
Tony
Thank y'all for praying for our hearts the past couple of weeks. I would say that we bottomed out shortly after that post was written, but have noticeably rebounded some since then. Praise God! (I know our kids praise Him that we've rebounded!!) And as the trip approaches, and we get a bit more tense, we have not gotten angry or loud or whiny or any of the things that would have made it miserable. At least, not yet! I have plenty of time between now and then to sin mightily against my kids and my wife!
I am praying for wisdom as we go on this trip. I want to understand more fully the 40-50 year scenario. I know that there are three possibilities from the testing, and I want to understand them better. First, there is no change at all, and we get another 6-month reprieve. Second, the cancer is still confined to the stomach, but has changed in such a way that even Mayo says we should do the surgery. Third, it has left the stomach and gone to another organ. Well, I want to understand the second scenario better; what exactly would have changed to make them feel this way?
I want to talk more about diet. With traditional cancers, it is believed by the holistic medicine folks that eliminating red meat, doing the whole juicer thing, and more of what I used to call voodoo will lower cancer risk. Is that true with carcinoid cancer? Dee Dee has eliminated red meat and poultry from her own diet, and her Mother's Day gift this year was a professional-grade juicer. Certainly these may be healthy regardless of the cancer, but is there any impact? I know that at the very least it has given her something concrete to do, to feel that she is exerting some proactive effort against this disease.
Another question that I plan to ask is why do we do such frequent follow-up? Given the emotional toll, and the fact that we are most likely going to see no change, can we spread the visits out? Also, there was mention in one article that I read in one of the gastro journals that suggested that long-term carcinoid, when associated with pernicious anemia (which we know she has) and chronic atrophic gastritis (which will be investigated at this visit), carries greater risk of traditional cancers of the gut. Does she have the atrophic gastritis? What are the ancillary risks? Can they be lessened? Is there risk of such frequent nuclear/radioactive medicine tests?
So, lots of tests to take, and lots of questions to get answered. Thanks for praying for clarity of mind, and for wisdom, not only fro the doctors but for us as well.
What else, what else....
You notice that in my listing of medical possibilities above, I did not list "God healing her and taking away the cancer." I don't know why. I know it represents some degree of lack of faith in the grand power of God, and of His love and mercies for us, but I don't know why I am struggling here. I have seen God save my son when we were told there was no hope. I have seen my children recover from concussions with amnesia and life-flight helicopter rides. So why the...hesitancy... to pray big?
Partly I think it is because I am a product of my profession. For almost 20 years I have had patients refuse to do what we told them to do, because they "trusted God to heal them at a prayer service," and they have invariably lost vision. I have become skeptical of the whole line of thought, at least to a degree. I think this represents amazing arrogance on my part, and I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.
I think another part of it is fear. When we counsel young married couples on basic marriage skills, one of the topics we cover is sharing honestly your desires and needs. This is often scary! It is one thing if your needs are unspoken and unmet. But it is far worse if they are articulated and then unmet! I am a bit afraid of God saying, "No." I think this is a lack of trust in His genuine love for me, and a belief that He might withhold a blessing. I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.
I know that Dee Dee is praying that it will be healed. I am scared silly about this. If it is unchanged, which is her doctors' "best-case", then they and I will be happy. I am afraid that Dee Dee will be crushed. Her faith is bigger than mine, her understanding of the renewed mercies of our God every morning is deeper than mine. I want to protect her from further disappointment, and I suspect that this shows some desire on my part to be God for her. In other words, to provide/protect/heal her, because I am not so sure that He is doing a good enough job as God in her life right now. I am praying that the Spirit would convict me of this and lead me to repentance.
And yet, even as I sit here with tears, typing at nearly 2:00 a.m. because once again this trip is too big to allow sleep (or my faith is too small...), I have hope. My dear friend Scott posed a hypothetical question sometime before the cancer was diagnosed. "Tony, if God told you that in about 5 years you and He were going to be amazingly close, in a level of communion that just blows away your notions of that relationship, would you say yes? And what if He told you that first, He was going to take you down some very dark and difficult roads. Would your answer be the same?" If I truly trust in the God of Scripture, then my answer must be a resounding "YES! Yes God, I will follow where you lead, and go where you ask. I will endure the difficulties, because you are my shield and my fortress. I will persevere, because you strengthen me. I will run well the race you have set before me, because I love to bring you glory, and it is only through you that I run at all."
I was talking to a Jewish physician yesterday. She was in for an exam, and we talked about Dee Dee. This is a wonderful woman, and an excellent, caring physician. She said that she will never understand the unfairness of illness. I responded that I absolutely do not question the fairness of this; God ordained it and that makes it fair. I told her that I believe that the same God who decreed that my wife would have cancer decreed all the days and events of our lives, and that He has prepared us to run this race well. And I told her that as He girds us for this battle, He proves His love for us anew. She cried a bit, and said that the Jewish God, the God of the Old Testament, is not a God of love but of severity. She said that the normal life for a Jew is one of cyclical cowering before the fearsome throne of an angry, somewhat capricious God. I sensed a longing in her for the God I described, an Abba Father God; but she closed that door quickly. I thanked her for her concern for us, and she closed by saying, "Well, I don't pray, but I will think very positively for you both." How sad! My heart broke for her, and breaks now for everyone who thinks of God in that way.
I guess, however, that all the fears and lack of trust that I mentioned for myself a few paragraphs ago reflect that my heart goes too easily back to the desert, to wander with the Israelites. I, too often, cower; when God is offering to hold me in His lap, I quake at His feet. Just as the Israelite nation, when provided with manna, I ask to go back to Egypt. Just as my Jewish physician friend/patient, who thinks that it would be great if God were genuinely loving, but fears that it is not so. Are any of us that radically different or immune to the Israelite sin of doubt? Thank You, Spirit, for this fresh conviction. Make me believe your Word, as you tell me to boldly approach your throne; a throne not of arbitrary judgment or fear, but of grace.
Thank you all for approaching the throne of mercy and grace on our behalf. There are times when I realize that many of you have greater faith than I, and I am glad you're on our team.
Tony
Monday, April 23, 2007
Musings on Bruce Willis
Okay, I'm back! Bear with me for a moment as I make a bad analogy....If you saw the movie "Armageddon", which was roundly panned by critics, you will remember that Earth was about to be destroyed by a giant, angry asteroid. Enter Bruce Willis to try to save the day. As this knowledge became known, you may imagine the emotional hole that the citizens of this fine planet began to feel.
I bring this up because, while we have known that as this Mayo trip approached we would fall into some degree of emotional hole, we didn't really know when the "fall" would begin. We had hoped we would have a month, and that in the future it would be of shorter duration and more shallow depth with each passing trip to the clinic.
We did not get a full month.
The trip is in about 5 weeks (May 28th), and we realize now that we began the descent about 2 weeks ago. The general feeling of impending yuckiness, if not all-out misery, seems to have begun, and has really sapped our strength and joy for the last few days. Dee Dee has been feeling tired, short of patience, somewhat-to-very sick (colds, etc.), and we think it has a lot to do with the stress of the coming trip. I find myself thinking about the cancer more regularly than in the last few months.
One of the weird things about her cancer is the fact that we never will be "cured." We'll never say, "Dee Dee had cancer back in 2007, but has been in remission for 5 years." She is simply always going to have cancer. So we know, as we head to Mayo, that they are going to find cancer, again. [Barring, of course, a miracle from our God, who is certainly able to do exactly that!] We also know that the tests are pretty rotten. Each time that she has had this particular series of tests, she has gotten amazingly ill. The extreme nausea has lasted about 24 hours, with residual weakness and milder nausea another 12-18 hours. Obviously, we are not looking forward to the trip for those reasons.
The other reality that has struck me lately has been more sobering, at least to me. It is the realization that every single time we ever go for follow-up, the basic question being asked is, "Does Dee Dee get to live, or is she now dying from this cancer?" We have chosen not to do the surgery. We are very comfortable with that decision. We know that the likelihood of her cancer leaving the stomach are between <1% (Mayo's estimate), 1-2% (MD Anderson's), 1-5% (Johns Hopkins), and 15% (Duke's and Mt. Sinai's). We also recognize that if it ever leaves her stomach, it is too late to do the surgery, and at that moment we will realize that her clock is officially ticking. If it goes to small intestine, the clock shows ~15 years. If it goes to her liver, lungs or pancreas, the clock shows 3-4 years. No treatment. No surgery. No options.
When the cancer was first diagnosed, we had a two week window where we knew that all the tests being done were to determine if she were going to live or die from the cancer. What I did not realize is that we will go through that same ordeal, that same emotional battle, every six months. Because we know the crux of the question, the window this time is just longer. For the first time, I find that I am a bit concerned about her emotional/mental state as we go through years and years of that question being asked over and over. Not second-guessing the decision, but just a new wrinkle to pray about.
So, we begin again. I ask that you all begin to pray again, and I realize that many of you have never stopped. Thank you! Pray that we would have health, and peace, and patience with each other and our kids. This is tough enough on them, they sure don't need a crabby version of their folks making it harder. Pray that either the cancer would be gone, or at least reduced. Pray, certainly, that it has not spread. Pray that she would not get so sick this time. Pray that travel goes well.
By the way, Bruce Willis saves Earth by becoming a martyr and destroying the asteroid (which was the size of Texas!) What we need here is for God to bless science and medicine with medical devices to blow up the carcinoid, removing the threat and restoring peace and health (grin). I know, as far as analogies go, this is not one of my best. But, my brother Randy and I love the movie, so I knew at least he'd enjoy the reference.
It is amazing how many secular productions are based on a Christ-typology, isn't it? In Armageddon, sin=asteroid, earth=well, it equals earth and all it's inhabitants; and the only way to save it is through the sacrifice of a man. Please, now, don't yell at me for equating Bruce Willis with Jesus! I'm just pointing out that even screenwriters are influenced by Scripture, though they would probably deny it. Check out Armageddon if you haven't seen it, and you'll see what I mean. Same is true of Green Mile (innocent man takes on the sickness of others to resotre them to health), written originally by Stephen King. Same in Shawshank Redemption, also by Stephen King: innocent man, saves another after personal abuse and shame.
One caveat with these, by the way; they are rated R for language and violence, so be forewarned.
When did this become Ebert and Clark at the movies????? Am I supposed to ask you to save me an aisle seat or something like that??
Bless y'all!
Tony
Psalm 4:8
By the way, given the less frequent nature of the blog for the past few months, I'd love it if you could maybe email or talk to a few of your fellow readers to let them know the situation, and that I am cranking up the blog-o-matic again. Thanks!
I bring this up because, while we have known that as this Mayo trip approached we would fall into some degree of emotional hole, we didn't really know when the "fall" would begin. We had hoped we would have a month, and that in the future it would be of shorter duration and more shallow depth with each passing trip to the clinic.
We did not get a full month.
The trip is in about 5 weeks (May 28th), and we realize now that we began the descent about 2 weeks ago. The general feeling of impending yuckiness, if not all-out misery, seems to have begun, and has really sapped our strength and joy for the last few days. Dee Dee has been feeling tired, short of patience, somewhat-to-very sick (colds, etc.), and we think it has a lot to do with the stress of the coming trip. I find myself thinking about the cancer more regularly than in the last few months.
One of the weird things about her cancer is the fact that we never will be "cured." We'll never say, "Dee Dee had cancer back in 2007, but has been in remission for 5 years." She is simply always going to have cancer. So we know, as we head to Mayo, that they are going to find cancer, again. [Barring, of course, a miracle from our God, who is certainly able to do exactly that!] We also know that the tests are pretty rotten. Each time that she has had this particular series of tests, she has gotten amazingly ill. The extreme nausea has lasted about 24 hours, with residual weakness and milder nausea another 12-18 hours. Obviously, we are not looking forward to the trip for those reasons.
The other reality that has struck me lately has been more sobering, at least to me. It is the realization that every single time we ever go for follow-up, the basic question being asked is, "Does Dee Dee get to live, or is she now dying from this cancer?" We have chosen not to do the surgery. We are very comfortable with that decision. We know that the likelihood of her cancer leaving the stomach are between <1% (Mayo's estimate), 1-2% (MD Anderson's), 1-5% (Johns Hopkins), and 15% (Duke's and Mt. Sinai's). We also recognize that if it ever leaves her stomach, it is too late to do the surgery, and at that moment we will realize that her clock is officially ticking. If it goes to small intestine, the clock shows ~15 years. If it goes to her liver, lungs or pancreas, the clock shows 3-4 years. No treatment. No surgery. No options.
When the cancer was first diagnosed, we had a two week window where we knew that all the tests being done were to determine if she were going to live or die from the cancer. What I did not realize is that we will go through that same ordeal, that same emotional battle, every six months. Because we know the crux of the question, the window this time is just longer. For the first time, I find that I am a bit concerned about her emotional/mental state as we go through years and years of that question being asked over and over. Not second-guessing the decision, but just a new wrinkle to pray about.
So, we begin again. I ask that you all begin to pray again, and I realize that many of you have never stopped. Thank you! Pray that we would have health, and peace, and patience with each other and our kids. This is tough enough on them, they sure don't need a crabby version of their folks making it harder. Pray that either the cancer would be gone, or at least reduced. Pray, certainly, that it has not spread. Pray that she would not get so sick this time. Pray that travel goes well.
By the way, Bruce Willis saves Earth by becoming a martyr and destroying the asteroid (which was the size of Texas!) What we need here is for God to bless science and medicine with medical devices to blow up the carcinoid, removing the threat and restoring peace and health (grin). I know, as far as analogies go, this is not one of my best. But, my brother Randy and I love the movie, so I knew at least he'd enjoy the reference.
It is amazing how many secular productions are based on a Christ-typology, isn't it? In Armageddon, sin=asteroid, earth=well, it equals earth and all it's inhabitants; and the only way to save it is through the sacrifice of a man. Please, now, don't yell at me for equating Bruce Willis with Jesus! I'm just pointing out that even screenwriters are influenced by Scripture, though they would probably deny it. Check out Armageddon if you haven't seen it, and you'll see what I mean. Same is true of Green Mile (innocent man takes on the sickness of others to resotre them to health), written originally by Stephen King. Same in Shawshank Redemption, also by Stephen King: innocent man, saves another after personal abuse and shame.
One caveat with these, by the way; they are rated R for language and violence, so be forewarned.
When did this become Ebert and Clark at the movies????? Am I supposed to ask you to save me an aisle seat or something like that??
Bless y'all!
Tony
Psalm 4:8
By the way, given the less frequent nature of the blog for the past few months, I'd love it if you could maybe email or talk to a few of your fellow readers to let them know the situation, and that I am cranking up the blog-o-matic again. Thanks!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Hello Again!
Well, Hello again! I know, I know, I've been a bad blogger. No updates in 6 weeks! Several of you folks have gently reminded me that I need to be a bit more regular in the updates; thank you for your graciousness, and for reminding me that a lot of folks care very much for us.
One of these friends (thank you Jill!) made the comment that hopefully "No news is good news?" In a real way that is true. I'm not sure what it says about my own character that I write like crazy when everything is difficult or scary, and not too much when it is smooth and comfortable, but that's the way I seem to function. Basically, we are learning a new life-pattern, a new calendar cycle.
Every six months or so, we will go to Mayo for about 4 days. Between trips, not too much will happen. Right now, we are in the calm in the cycle. We return to the storm in late May. What I expect is that we will coast along pretty well for about 4 - 4 1/2 months, half-forgetting all the great lessons we learned the last time we were in the storm. Lessons like dependency and weakness before God; humility; the willingness to receive aid and comfort from the body of Christ at work; our complete need of the Holy Spirit to guide and direct; things like that. Then, about 6 weeks before the next trip, we'll start to be re-broken before Him.
That is when the emotional aspect will kick back into the game. I suspect that Dee Dee is already beginning to think about the cancer more, to anticipate the tests and procedures, etc. As we get even closer, as we coordinate child care, time off from work, the details of the trip, I will not be surprised to see us have some emotional "bottoming out." My prayer is that it will not be accompanied by spiritual bottoming. Then, we'll go to Mayo, and the physical aspect smacks us around again. Last time, many of the tests made her quite ill, so we are already praying that she will get through them this time without such nausea and discomfort.
One of the reasons that I have not written sooner is that 4 weeks ago I had surgery on my right shoulder. I had big bone spurs, which were cutting the bursa and rotator cuff. The orthopedic surgeon (who said that I was simply getting old and wearing out!) sawed off ~ 3/4 of an inch of two bones, stripped the bursa, and repaired the rotator cuff. I go to PT (physical therapy, or pain and torture, depending on your perspective) twice a week, and they tell me the full recovery is 6-8 months. Getting old is not for the faint of heart!
We are quite busy right now, as I am sure you all are as well. Caleb made the Wake County Home School all-star varsity high school baseball team. He is a freshman, and he and his best friend Whit, also a freshman, are on this team of juniors and seniors. They play all over the place, all the time, so the Clark Suburban has been rolling up the miles! Their first tourney was in Atlanta, and they have games all over central and eastern NC, as well as another tourney in Marietta, GA and in Pensacola, FL. This has been a terrific experience for him, and we have appreciated the godly men who are coaching the team. This team finished 6th and 3rd in the last two home school World Series, so we'll see what happens this year.
My friend Reid, whose wife died suddenly, seems to be doing well. I think that he is somewhat consumed with the simple details of life, with working, parenting during a time like this, visiting with all the out-of-town family that comes to visit, etc. I appreciate your continued prayers for him and his kids.
I will try to write at least once a month for now, and obviously more as we get into the Mayo deal again in May. Thank you all for your faithful prayers, for the emails and cards, for the surprise visits. One church, which we do not attend, has faithfully sent her at least one card a week since the first diagnosis (Yay Salem!). Thank you all for this tangible expression of love. If there are ways we could pray for you, please let us know. We pray in general for you when we see the notes/etc., but would love to pray more specifically.
Blessings!
Tony
One of these friends (thank you Jill!) made the comment that hopefully "No news is good news?" In a real way that is true. I'm not sure what it says about my own character that I write like crazy when everything is difficult or scary, and not too much when it is smooth and comfortable, but that's the way I seem to function. Basically, we are learning a new life-pattern, a new calendar cycle.
Every six months or so, we will go to Mayo for about 4 days. Between trips, not too much will happen. Right now, we are in the calm in the cycle. We return to the storm in late May. What I expect is that we will coast along pretty well for about 4 - 4 1/2 months, half-forgetting all the great lessons we learned the last time we were in the storm. Lessons like dependency and weakness before God; humility; the willingness to receive aid and comfort from the body of Christ at work; our complete need of the Holy Spirit to guide and direct; things like that. Then, about 6 weeks before the next trip, we'll start to be re-broken before Him.
That is when the emotional aspect will kick back into the game. I suspect that Dee Dee is already beginning to think about the cancer more, to anticipate the tests and procedures, etc. As we get even closer, as we coordinate child care, time off from work, the details of the trip, I will not be surprised to see us have some emotional "bottoming out." My prayer is that it will not be accompanied by spiritual bottoming. Then, we'll go to Mayo, and the physical aspect smacks us around again. Last time, many of the tests made her quite ill, so we are already praying that she will get through them this time without such nausea and discomfort.
One of the reasons that I have not written sooner is that 4 weeks ago I had surgery on my right shoulder. I had big bone spurs, which were cutting the bursa and rotator cuff. The orthopedic surgeon (who said that I was simply getting old and wearing out!) sawed off ~ 3/4 of an inch of two bones, stripped the bursa, and repaired the rotator cuff. I go to PT (physical therapy, or pain and torture, depending on your perspective) twice a week, and they tell me the full recovery is 6-8 months. Getting old is not for the faint of heart!
We are quite busy right now, as I am sure you all are as well. Caleb made the Wake County Home School all-star varsity high school baseball team. He is a freshman, and he and his best friend Whit, also a freshman, are on this team of juniors and seniors. They play all over the place, all the time, so the Clark Suburban has been rolling up the miles! Their first tourney was in Atlanta, and they have games all over central and eastern NC, as well as another tourney in Marietta, GA and in Pensacola, FL. This has been a terrific experience for him, and we have appreciated the godly men who are coaching the team. This team finished 6th and 3rd in the last two home school World Series, so we'll see what happens this year.
My friend Reid, whose wife died suddenly, seems to be doing well. I think that he is somewhat consumed with the simple details of life, with working, parenting during a time like this, visiting with all the out-of-town family that comes to visit, etc. I appreciate your continued prayers for him and his kids.
I will try to write at least once a month for now, and obviously more as we get into the Mayo deal again in May. Thank you all for your faithful prayers, for the emails and cards, for the surprise visits. One church, which we do not attend, has faithfully sent her at least one card a week since the first diagnosis (Yay Salem!). Thank you all for this tangible expression of love. If there are ways we could pray for you, please let us know. We pray in general for you when we see the notes/etc., but would love to pray more specifically.
Blessings!
Tony
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Prayer for a friend
Dear friends,
Tonight, I have several things to thank God about. I thank Him for choosing me, apart from any merit or worth, to be His adopted child forever. I thank Christ for giving up His own rights, to secure my rights as a joint-heir. I thank Him that He blessed me with His Spirit to teach and to guide me, to comfort me when I hurt.
I thank God that despite the confusion of medical opinions, Dee Dee and I are still like-minded about going with the Mayo Clinic treatment plan of observation. I thank Him for equipping us for this time in life. I thank Him that there are mountain-tops as well as valleys.
I thank Him that Dee Dee had the opportunity to speak at a women's retreat for our church this weekend, and that I am told she was amazing. (No surprise there for me, by the way!) I know her heart's desire was to glorify God, and to edify her sisters; I thank Him that He used her for His purpose. I thank Him that "we glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5) I thank Him that our trials have been with divine purpose. What comfort there is to know that our trials are intentional, and that they have purpose for good; that they are not random or outside the reach of our God. I got into a dispute with a pastor once, in front of a group of folks, because he was telling them that Gabe's illness was not from God, but from Satan. What comfort is there in a God who is not in control of the events of our life? How would that logic have been comforting to Paul, while in jail, or shipwrecked? How would it have comforted us during this illness? No, God ordained this disease, and he knows why. That is enough. This weekend, He used it as part of preparing Dee Dee to speak. Later, He will use it in other ways. I thank Him for that.
Now, I'd like to ask you all to pray for friends of ours. They have been in our small group, and tribulations are more real to them than I can truly fathom. Reid and Stephanie have 3 children, ages 6, 4, and 2. For the past couple of months, Stephanie has had chest pain, but the cardiologist said everything was fine. While driving home from the grocery store last Friday night, 4 days after her 35th birthday, Stephanie had a heart attack and died while talking to Reid on her cell phone. Now, I've had too much occasion to consider my own wife's death this past year (seizure in January, cancer this Fall), and still I really cannot comprehend all the ways to pray for my brother. He is a very solid believer, and I believe that he will persevere, develop character, and have hope. I asked him if I could recruit other prayers through the blog, to which he agreed. Please pray for the comfort of the Spirit, the love of the Father, the fellowship of Christ and His suffering to begin to heal all the hurts. Pray for those sweet little kids. Pray for our little church, and our small group, as we provide care and love. Pray for all the things that I can't even think of right now. Just pray!
Thanks everyone. I'll write again later, and give updates on Reid, as well as our next medical trips to Mayo, etc.
By the way, I'm also thankful to Him for all of you. Ya'll are a blessing.
Tony
Tonight, I have several things to thank God about. I thank Him for choosing me, apart from any merit or worth, to be His adopted child forever. I thank Christ for giving up His own rights, to secure my rights as a joint-heir. I thank Him that He blessed me with His Spirit to teach and to guide me, to comfort me when I hurt.
I thank God that despite the confusion of medical opinions, Dee Dee and I are still like-minded about going with the Mayo Clinic treatment plan of observation. I thank Him for equipping us for this time in life. I thank Him that there are mountain-tops as well as valleys.
I thank Him that Dee Dee had the opportunity to speak at a women's retreat for our church this weekend, and that I am told she was amazing. (No surprise there for me, by the way!) I know her heart's desire was to glorify God, and to edify her sisters; I thank Him that He used her for His purpose. I thank Him that "we glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. Romans 5:3-5) I thank Him that our trials have been with divine purpose. What comfort there is to know that our trials are intentional, and that they have purpose for good; that they are not random or outside the reach of our God. I got into a dispute with a pastor once, in front of a group of folks, because he was telling them that Gabe's illness was not from God, but from Satan. What comfort is there in a God who is not in control of the events of our life? How would that logic have been comforting to Paul, while in jail, or shipwrecked? How would it have comforted us during this illness? No, God ordained this disease, and he knows why. That is enough. This weekend, He used it as part of preparing Dee Dee to speak. Later, He will use it in other ways. I thank Him for that.
Now, I'd like to ask you all to pray for friends of ours. They have been in our small group, and tribulations are more real to them than I can truly fathom. Reid and Stephanie have 3 children, ages 6, 4, and 2. For the past couple of months, Stephanie has had chest pain, but the cardiologist said everything was fine. While driving home from the grocery store last Friday night, 4 days after her 35th birthday, Stephanie had a heart attack and died while talking to Reid on her cell phone. Now, I've had too much occasion to consider my own wife's death this past year (seizure in January, cancer this Fall), and still I really cannot comprehend all the ways to pray for my brother. He is a very solid believer, and I believe that he will persevere, develop character, and have hope. I asked him if I could recruit other prayers through the blog, to which he agreed. Please pray for the comfort of the Spirit, the love of the Father, the fellowship of Christ and His suffering to begin to heal all the hurts. Pray for those sweet little kids. Pray for our little church, and our small group, as we provide care and love. Pray for all the things that I can't even think of right now. Just pray!
Thanks everyone. I'll write again later, and give updates on Reid, as well as our next medical trips to Mayo, etc.
By the way, I'm also thankful to Him for all of you. Ya'll are a blessing.
Tony
Thursday, January 11, 2007
I guess it's not supposed to be easy, huh?
Well, I waited a long time to post again, because I felt that once we got past the business of the holidays, we would make a final decision and I could post that. Sure enough, I had opportunity to talk to the doc at MD Anderson in Houston, Dr. Yao, and he felt that observation would be perfectly acceptable. He is a leading expert on carcinoid, and he likes to use the "What makes you sleep well at night" test. In other words, if you are going to have this everyday sense of anxiety and foreboding, then do the surgery and be done with the cancer. Accept that you will have some (either a lot or a little) consequences, but rest easy because the cancer is gone. On the other hand, if you can live life without that sense of dread, then don't do the surgery.
As we finished up our conversation, he mentioned that he would like me to talk to a doc in NY named Richard Warner, who has treated as many of these as anyone in America. He said that Warner has reported anecdotal success with slowing the progression via an elaborate diet. Yao's point was that if we are going to do observation, we could easily add the diet thing to that.
As you hopefully know, Dee Dee and I are not really fearful folks, and we can sleep quite well at night (well, she can; I never sleep much anyhow) regardless of things like this. We slept well when we thought this might have already spread, and would not have been treatable. So, we decided not to do the surgery, and began making plans for our next trip to Mayo.
However, to satisfy Yao's recommendation, and my wife's love of healthy diet, I called Warner. He listened to her case data, then said, "If she were my patient, I would not try the diet. She has too many tumors, and at least one that is too big for the diet to work. I would remove the biggest tumor with wedge resection, and then do the antrectomy surgery to remove the lower 40% of her stomach. I am concerned that the one larger tumor may be self-feeding already, and not dependant upon the gastrin (hormone) that caused the tumors to form initially." While he agreed that metastasis was unlikely with gastric carcinoid, he said that in his clinic (Sinai Medical Hospital and University) he has seen it spread in 5% of cases. Honest to goodness, I nearly hung up on him as soon as he started talking, 'cause I did not want to hear what he was saying. And I didn't want to report it to Dee Dee either! Sure enough, as I walked in the door that night, she asked if I had gotten to speak with "the NY doctor."
So, the buoyancy that I had seen in Dee Dee for about a week, after we made the (we thought) final decision, has lessened. It has not vanished, but I could physically see her countenance falling as we discussed Warner's thoughts. At the least, it introduces doubt; doubt that will, I am afraid, make her less able to rest confidently in an observation approach. I still suspect that we will opt for no surgery, but we will have a period now where we wrestle with it all again. Maybe we would have had that every time we went for follow-up evaluation? I don't know. We will definitely ask our Mayo doc about these issues.
Please pray for peace. Pray for confidence. I know that God has ordained and decreed how this will turn out; I know that He loves us, and is showing that love by refining us. Pray that he would enable us to boldly live in light of that love. Pray that we/she would not get discouraged. Amazing - 5 hospitals, and at least three opinions.
Thank you all for praying so much, and so long. You all encourage us so much! If a few of you could email Dee Dee, or send a card, it would help put some wind in her sails. With me blogging less, fewer notes come in. That was actually great when we thought we were done working through things; it helped with a feeling that this chapter was closed. Now that it is at least partially re-opened, I know she'd appreciate hearing from you.
By the way, she and I had the opportunity to see the Monet in Normandy exhibit at the NC Museum of Art this afternoon. Amazing! I thank God that He gifted some, that they could put onto canvas a sense of the splendor of His creation. I felt like saying, "Amen" as I looked in wonder at the original works of Monet. I don't know if he felt like he was honoring God as he painted, but I felt like I had worshipped as I enjoyed his work. That is what art should do - reflect God's majesty and glory in creation. That's what we should do in our daily lives, because in some ways, we are the canvas that God paints upon!
God bless ya'll!
Tony
As we finished up our conversation, he mentioned that he would like me to talk to a doc in NY named Richard Warner, who has treated as many of these as anyone in America. He said that Warner has reported anecdotal success with slowing the progression via an elaborate diet. Yao's point was that if we are going to do observation, we could easily add the diet thing to that.
As you hopefully know, Dee Dee and I are not really fearful folks, and we can sleep quite well at night (well, she can; I never sleep much anyhow) regardless of things like this. We slept well when we thought this might have already spread, and would not have been treatable. So, we decided not to do the surgery, and began making plans for our next trip to Mayo.
However, to satisfy Yao's recommendation, and my wife's love of healthy diet, I called Warner. He listened to her case data, then said, "If she were my patient, I would not try the diet. She has too many tumors, and at least one that is too big for the diet to work. I would remove the biggest tumor with wedge resection, and then do the antrectomy surgery to remove the lower 40% of her stomach. I am concerned that the one larger tumor may be self-feeding already, and not dependant upon the gastrin (hormone) that caused the tumors to form initially." While he agreed that metastasis was unlikely with gastric carcinoid, he said that in his clinic (Sinai Medical Hospital and University) he has seen it spread in 5% of cases. Honest to goodness, I nearly hung up on him as soon as he started talking, 'cause I did not want to hear what he was saying. And I didn't want to report it to Dee Dee either! Sure enough, as I walked in the door that night, she asked if I had gotten to speak with "the NY doctor."
So, the buoyancy that I had seen in Dee Dee for about a week, after we made the (we thought) final decision, has lessened. It has not vanished, but I could physically see her countenance falling as we discussed Warner's thoughts. At the least, it introduces doubt; doubt that will, I am afraid, make her less able to rest confidently in an observation approach. I still suspect that we will opt for no surgery, but we will have a period now where we wrestle with it all again. Maybe we would have had that every time we went for follow-up evaluation? I don't know. We will definitely ask our Mayo doc about these issues.
Please pray for peace. Pray for confidence. I know that God has ordained and decreed how this will turn out; I know that He loves us, and is showing that love by refining us. Pray that he would enable us to boldly live in light of that love. Pray that we/she would not get discouraged. Amazing - 5 hospitals, and at least three opinions.
Thank you all for praying so much, and so long. You all encourage us so much! If a few of you could email Dee Dee, or send a card, it would help put some wind in her sails. With me blogging less, fewer notes come in. That was actually great when we thought we were done working through things; it helped with a feeling that this chapter was closed. Now that it is at least partially re-opened, I know she'd appreciate hearing from you.
By the way, she and I had the opportunity to see the Monet in Normandy exhibit at the NC Museum of Art this afternoon. Amazing! I thank God that He gifted some, that they could put onto canvas a sense of the splendor of His creation. I felt like saying, "Amen" as I looked in wonder at the original works of Monet. I don't know if he felt like he was honoring God as he painted, but I felt like I had worshipped as I enjoyed his work. That is what art should do - reflect God's majesty and glory in creation. That's what we should do in our daily lives, because in some ways, we are the canvas that God paints upon!
God bless ya'll!
Tony
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