Where we are tonight

Hello all, and I'm sorry I haven't updated in the last few days. Part of that was that our internet was down for two days, and part was that not much was really happening. So, thank you for your prayers and cards and emails despite the lack of new information. Many of the cards and emails have been amazingly encouraging and uplifting, affirming my wife's heart. Thank you!

Our first official appointment at Duke is tomorrow at 11:30, with the surgeon (Dr. Pappas). I am assuming that he will review the test results that we have so far, order the remaining ones, and that will be about it. I don't know how much opportunity we will have to discuss the overall plan, timing, etc. I doubt we meet the oncologist in charge, Dr. Morse. We are eager to finish "defining the beast," so to speak. Will there be chemo or radiation? We don't think so, but it will be good to know for certain. When are they looking at surgery? When should we make travel plans to Minnesota for the Mayo Clinic? Those are the questions that keep circulating for both of us.

The other thing that folks have asked about is how we are doing, emotionally and relationally. It has been interesting to see the progression from the time of first diagnosis to now. It seems as if the initial shock is gone, the subsequent adrenaline rush has also gone, and our tanks are a bit on empty. We are just a little less patient with each other and the kids, a little harsher in our words, a little less on our knees than we were several days ago. At least this is true for me; I suspect that Dee Dee is not quite as impatient and that kind of thing as am I. The problem, or more accurately seen, the opportunity for God's glory here, is that all of regular life keeps going on. Homeschooling still needs to take place. Eyeballs still need to be seen. Parenting issues still come up and need to be dealt with. Our friends and families have difficulties of their own, that we hurt for. All this goes on, and yet there is this underlying current of the THING that is this tension-producing stresser. It just builds, and sometimes it bursts through. My friend Dave called it the dead rat laying on the table that no one mentions. It's always there, but dinner still must be served.

So the focus for us right now, as we are faced with the absurdity of continuing life as usual when nothing about it is really usual at all right now, is that God is glorified and exalted when He accomplishes through frail vessels His mighty works. When we parent with grace, during a time when we don't feel graceful, He is honored. If we care for others, when we don't feel any reserve ability to do so, He is praised. As two ordinarily sinfully strong, sinfully self-sufficient people accept some weakness and humility, He is glorified. For all this, we are thankful and praise Him.

One of the things that I began for Dee Dee today is to print out all the emails, and we are going to put them, with the cards and notes and everything else, into a keepsake book of some type. This will become a treasured part of our remembrance of this time, as in the years to come we can look back and re-read the love that is being poured out from all of you to us. We wish we had done this when Gabe was ill; there is value in chronicling God's goodness, and these expressions of His love, shown through you, are evidence of His grace to us.

So, as I wrap up a fairly scattered entry tonight, some specific prayer requests:
* Pray for a refilling of our physical, emotional, and at least my spiritual tanks.
* Pray for continued grace on our kids.
* Pray for our appointment tomorrow at 11:30, that we would have opportunity to talk at length with Dr. Pappas, that we would have the final tests scheduled ASAP, and that we would leave with a fairly complete understanding of the overall plan.
* Pray that we can go ahead and coordinate the Mayo trip, and that our talks with them would be excellent. Continue to pray that the medical advice from the Mayo docs matches that of the Duke docs.

We know that we are not the only ones with scary things, hurtful things right now. We have dear friends who lost their baby this weekend at about 22 weeks pregnant; another with health tests being done of her own. There's lots of stuff for us all to be praying over. As you send us your notes, please know that we are taking each one of them as an opportunity and a reminder to thank God for you and to pray for you as well. You are a blessing to us!

Tony